The One Where Chandler Gets Bit by a Peacock
by FictionWriter91
Summary: Phoebe was the last to know about it. Chandler used it as a way of trying to get kissed at midnight on New Year's, but what really is the story of how Chandler got bit by a peacock? ONE SHOT


**As I was watching the other day, I saw it was mentioned twice about Chandler getting bit by a peacock, so I just had to do a oneshot about it. I hope you enjoy!**

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 **1992**

It was another ordinary day in New York City. Chandler Bing was at work, and he was bored. Very bored. He looked at his watch. Was the day over yet?! If time went any slower, he just might go crazy. When his phone rang, his hand shot out to grab it, knocking it over in the process. The receiver hit the floor, and he scrambled to get it.

"Hello! This is Chandler Bing!" he yelped, banging his head on the underside of his desk. He winced.

"Hey!" Ross said happily. "Big plans for this weekend?"

"No," Chandler said unhappily. "You?"

"Well, I am off to a romantic getaway with Carol," Ross said. Chandler rolled his eyes.

"You called me just to tell me that?"

"Well, yea. You always teased me for being single for so long, so now I'm rubbing it in that I'm dating and you're not," Ross snickered.

"I see. It hurts so much," Chandler said sarcastically.

"That's what I like to hear," Ross laughed. Then he hung up.

"Jerk," Chandler muttered, putting the receiver back. His head was killing him, and he was greatly annoyed. He looked at his watch again. Who really would notice him leaving work an hour early? Probably nobody. He slipped out of his office, looking left and right. Nobody saw. Nobody cared. He whistled as he went down the elevator. Why not start Friday night early?

...

"Kip and I have this great weekend planned," Monica gushed. They were sitting at the bar under their apartment, and Chandler wanted to rip his ears off. It was all "Kip this" and "Kip that" with Monica lately. He couldn't stand it. Couldn't she see that the guy was a total loser? He pressed his fingers into his eyeballs as she went on to describe their weekend.

"He's going to take me on a cruise," Monica squealed.

"Oh! That's fun," Phoebe said, nodding. "Just be careful you don't get shipwrecked."

"Phoebs, that won't happen," Monica scoffed. Chandler was imagining a shark like Jaws coming and eating Kip and taking him out of their lives forever.

"Hey, guys," Ross said, coming in with Carol. "We just wanted to say goodbye before we headed off to Vermont."

"No maple candy," Monica warned Carol. "He gets extremely excited on that stuff."

"Got it," Carol winked.

"Not that kind of excited," Monica said, wrinkling her nose.

"So, Mon, I hear you're having a great weekend," Ross said, giving Chandler a nudge. His elbow slipped off the arm of the chair, and one of his fingers penetrated his eye, making him grunt in pain.

"Thanks," Chandler said, squeezing his eye shut. Just what he needed. Premature blindness.

"I have a great weekend planned too!" Phoebe declared.

"Oh boy," Chandler muttered.

"Yea, Toby and I are gonna spend it all in my bedroom," Phoebe said suggestively.

"Do you guys have nothing else to talk about other than your sex plans?" Chandler asked.

"Sorry, dude. We're not single," Ross chortled.

"Yea, I thought you were dating Chloe?" Monica asked.

"Pfft. Sure. That went flat," Chandler sighed.

"What happened?" Phoebe asked.

"She...she was already dating someone else," Chandler lied. He didn't want to tell them that she had laughed in his face when he asked her out. Too embarrassing.

"Well, we gotta go," Ross said, looking at his watch. "We can't miss our romantic dinner."

"Go choke on a lamb chop," Chandler said bitterly.

"Bye, Ross," Monica said, waving as they left. She turned to Chandler. "What's with you?"

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"I'm just lonely, okay? You all have such great weekends planned, and I'm stuck here all by myself."

"Now I feel bad," Monica said.

"No, don't. That's not my intention," Chandler said.

"Oohh! Toby's here," Phoebe said, getting up. "Sex time!"

"Too much, Phoebs," Chandler groaned. It was just him and Monica left.

"Are you sure you don't want me to cancel with Kip?" she asked.

"No. It's fine," Chandler dismissed.

"All right," Monica said, not believing him. "Well, I'll see you later. Kip's meeting me for dinner."

"Bye," Chandler said. He sighed loudly when he was alone. "And then there was one."

...

Chandler woke up the next day knowing that Kip and Monica were at her apartment most likely having sex, and for some reason, it bothered him. He ate his cereal without even thinking about it. He wandered around the apartment and tried not to think about what was happening across the hall. When he heard them, he had to get out of there. Grabbing his coat, he headed out the door. Once on the street, he had no idea where to go, so he just started walking. Eventually, he found himself in front of the zoo. He paused.

"Why not?" he asked himself. It had been a long time. He went inside and wandered the exhibits. He felt bad for the animals in there all locked up. It seemed unfair. Then he came across a bird standing in the middle of the walkway. He stopped short.

"Um, hey there," he said. The bird cocked it's head at him. Chandler looked around. Why wasn't this bird behind bars? Was it dangerous? He looked again and saw that it was a peacock. He chuckled to himself. They were harmless. He went to move past it when it hissed. That's right. _Hissed_. Then it made a screaming sound.

"Whoa," Chandler said, holding up his hands. The peacock charged at him, and he fled. Once he figured he was safe, he stopped running.

"That was stupid," he laughed to himself. He really was a coward. No wonder women didn't want to go out with him. He kept wandering around looking at the animals until he heard a sound behind him. He turned and jumped in fright. The peacock was now standing there staring at him.

"Shoo!" he shouted. It didn't move.

"Scat!"

It stared at him.

"I'll call security," Chandler warned. The bird tilted its head at him. Chandler didn't know what to do. He gulped when the bird came closer. Chandler felt that if he acted brave, the bird would not touch him, so he stood completely still. The bird stopped within inches from his legs. Chandler didn't move. They had a staring contest for a while before the bird lunged forward and promptly bit Chandler right in the shin.

"YEEEOOOW!" Chandler shouted. The bird scuttled away, sounding like it was laughing. A caretaker came into view hurriedly.

"Are you all right, sir?" she asked.

"Your damn peacock just bit me!" Chandler yelled at her. She looked where he was pointing and saw the bird's feathers disappear around the corner.

"There he is! We've been looking for him. The rascal escaped earlier," she said, laughing a little.

"Bleeding over here!" Chandler shouted, getting her attention.

"Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry," she said. "Here." She handed him a rag. "Press hard. Maybe go to the emergency room."

"What for?!"

"Stitches. Their bites can go deep."

"I can't believe this. I could sue this zoo," Chandler threatened.

"Did you provoke it?"

"What? No!"

"Are you sure?"  
"No, you got me. I came here to intentionally piss off a big ass bird," Chandler said sarcastically.

"He wouldn't have bit you for no reason," she said.

"You didn't see him! He practically stalked me!"

"Sir, can I interest you in a free massage?" the manager asked, joining them. He had heard what happened and wanted to settle things immediately.

"Make it five free massages and you have a deal," Chandler said.

"Done."

"And go get that bite looked at," the caretaker advised. Chandler limped out of the zoo with his massage coupons. He didn't go to the hospital. He just went home. Monica spotted him as soon as he hit the landing.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing," he dismissed. "Where's Kip? I thought you were supposed to be on a big cruise."

"He got called into work. You're limping," she pointed out.

"I know."

"Why?"

"I got bit."

"By what?!"

"A big bird."

"Seriously?"

"Yes! I was at the zoo, and the bastard just came up to me and bit me!"

"Oh, that's...terrible," Monica said, trying hard not to laugh. Chandler gave her a look.

"You're horrible," he said, going to go inside his apartment.

"I'm sorry! It's just...it's so funny!"

"It's not! It hurt like hell."

"I know! But...a peacock bit you," Monica burst into more laughter. "I gotta call Ross."

"Oh ha ha ha," Chandler said as she hurried away. He slammed the door behind him. Stupid bird. Stupid Ross. He hobbled to his couch.

...

"So, how was everyone's weekend?" Ross asked on Sunday night while at Monica's apartment. He smirked at Chandler.

"It was great," Phoebe said. "I'm very satisfied."

"It was okay," Monica said.

"It was great," Chandler said.

"Was it?" Ross asked, surprised. "But I heard that you got bit by a peacock."

"What?!" Phoebe exclaimed. "How come I'm the last to know about this? I'm always the last to know about stuff!"

"How is getting bit great?" Monica asked.

"Because I got five free massages from it," he gloated. Monica gasped in jealousy.

"What? No way," Ross scoffed. Chandler held up the coupons.

"Read 'em and weep," he said. He banged them on the table and stalked off. He heard them tittering as soon as he closed the door behind him. Let them talk. He was going to get a massage. This was going to be a great story one day.

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 **No romance, sorry. Just a (hopefully) humorous oneshot ;) Thanks for reading!**


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